Q&A: The human brain reveals the secrets you’ve always wanted to know, and you may not like the answers

I got the chance to interview the infamous human brain.  He tell’s how to find happiness and answers all sorts of other questions you’ve been dying to know.

Q: Why is it that you’re tired and out of it all day, but right before we’d like to go to bed you’re ready to take on the world?

A: Because what you do during the day sucks.  You really expect me to be alert and focused while you’re at your stupid job? Nah, don’t care.  Don’t care about traffic, don’t care about meetings.  I generally just don’t care.  Once you go to bed, I’m pumped! No people to deal with or anything like that.  So, I feel that’s a good time to remind you of all the things you worry about during your day.

Q: Why do migraines happen?

A: Sometimes I just want some “me” time.  No light, no sound, nothing.  I put up with your crap day in-day out and eventually I just get sick of your shit.  You force feed me Buzzfeed gifs, and Snap Chats and think Kim Kardashian is a DVR essential.  That stuff actually hurts me so it brings me a lot of pleasure to watch your life come to a screeching halt because I say so.

Q: Sometimes it’s difficult to focus on one specific task.  Why’s that?

A: Maybe what you’re trying to focus on isn’t that fun.  You ever think about that?  I’m a human brain.  You dipshits think I’m the most powerful thing in the world but you’re going to question me because sometimes I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to say mid-sentence?  I’m a brain.  I think I’ve earned my right to-oh shit, hold on I gotta update my fantasy roster…ok.  I can’t remember what you just asked which means it wasn’t important. Next question.

Q: You tend to want things all the time.  Why is it that once you actually get that thing, you want something else you don’t have.

A:  Then what else would I have to look forward to?  Let’s say I want you to eat a cookie and that’s all I want.  Once you eat that cookie, that’s it.  I have no reason to keep firing neurons.  So it’s good for me to want to keep looking for things I might think are awesome

Q: What will actually make you happy?

A: Nothing makes me happy.  Maybe it will satisfy your reader(s) to know that happiness doesn’t exist at all.  The best you can do is keep me busy with things that are fun or worth while.  If I don’t get challenged on a daily basis, things aren’t gonna work out too well.  Get up, move around, take up hobbies that involve physical activity.  Accomplish something.  That’ll make me happy for a little bit.  But think about it for a sec, have you ever thought “If I just get this one thing then I’ll be happy” only to get that one thing and still be unhappy?

Q: Could you maybe give me a response that’s more uplifting or quotable?

A: Ugh fine here: “Happiness” is in moments you create, not in things you buy.

Q: What’s with the pounding during hangovers?  Wait, hold on what’s the deal with hangovers period?

A: Dude I DON’T. LIKE. DRINKING.  Not sure how much more obvious I can make it.  When you go out drinking it’s like I’m not even here.  You don’t listen to anything I tell you.  I tell you not to text her, you text her.  I tell you not to whip it out in public, you do.  I tell you that she’s ugly, you ignore me.  So after a while I just get sick of it and try to get you put in your place.  I convince you that you’re able to take on that super jacked dude. I tell you to do all sorts of dumb things and quit keeping a record of whats happening.  So in the morning I kick and scream at you to let you know that you shouldn’t drink.  Sometimes I’m even successful enough to get you to say out loud “I’m never drinking again”.  A couple days later, back to drinking.  It’s bullshit.

Q:  So then do you give us pain during brain freeze because you hate ice cream?

A: Quite the opposite.  Ice cream and milk shakes turn me on.  What you call “brain freeze is actually me cuming.

Q: How is it that you’re so convincing right before bed?

A:  How do you mean?

Q: Couple things, #1: why do you think up a great idea right before you go to sleep and convince us not to write it down cause you’ll think of it in the morning?

A:  Look, if it were that good of an idea it would have actually made it on paper.  The next day I just enjoy torturing you by making you think it was the most brilliant idea ever conceived.  In fact, it was not.

Q: #2 How do you convince us before we go to bed that we’ll wake up and get a great start to the day and be productive and then not follow through?

A:  Because sleep is way better.  When you sleep I finally get to do what I want to do.  Ever have fucked up dreams?  That’s me having a good time.  I love watching you flail around cause you think you’re getting attacked.  Then there’s my all-time favorite, making you feel like you’re falling to your death right before you go into a deep sleep.

Q: How come you never think of a good come back until after an argument is well over?

A:  What do you mean after the argument is over?! Everything you say is catalogued in me from the moment you hear it or read it for the first time.  I’m giving you all sorts of one-liners that are solid gold.  Problem is you’re too busy getting schooled to notice.  Next time try not being a bitch.

Q: Let’s say someone studies real hard for a test.  For weeks, even months.  Why is it that you don’t reveal the correct answers until after the test is turned in?

A: Cause screw your tests!  I wasn’t meant for that garbage.  People need to realize something.  I really only exist to make your body do basic functions.  You know, walk, run, listen, eat, hunt, gather.  We’re not supposed to be locked in rooms all day studying why the earth orbits the way it does. It doesn’t matter! My kind exists to make you build a basic home, hunt some animals, and get some ass.  All this other crap like cars, rent, math, tv shows, jobs, all that shit was other brains getting a little too full of themselves.

Q: Ok I saved the most important question for last.  In fact, it’s the main reason why I set up this interview.

A: Enough prefacing, ask the question…

Q:  What’s with all the random boners and uncontrollable sexual attractions.

A:  Oh that’s not me those are the genitals, and we never talk.  Like ever.

Q: Why not?

A:  Nothing in common.  We have different ways of going about things and the genital’s approach to things aren’t usually the smartest way to go about things.

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